Dance After Dark Photography

So this happened Wednesday night, but I’m posting about it now because I had absolutely no dial tone upon returning home. Despite two phone techs visiting the house, the issue cannot be traced. Normally we have static and, as a result, poor dial-up connections. Twice now we’ve had no phone service at all. I’m not happy.

However, that’s not the real problem. I was driving home from Orlando tonight, and I nearly ran off the interstate because of a spider. Bear in mind that I’m not normally jumpy enough to lose control of my vehicle just because a spider is on my windshield, arm, etc. This is a special case.

I’m driving, and I see a spider crawling on the inside of the windshield. I’ve made my peace with spiders, so although it’s a bit unnerving to see the legs-waving exploratory walk that spiders have, I’m still cool. Not a problem. I’m driving and thinking “I’ve got a tupperware thing with me. I’ll get him into that, close it, and dump him next time I stop. Otherwise he’ll be in here forever.”

I get the tupperware ready, and once I get out of the curves in downtown Orlando and onto a straight section of road, I lean forward and extend the tupperware in my right hand. He’d wandered toward the passenger side, so I’m reaching, watching the road, and still eyeing the spider.

Which means that I did NOT see the other fucker drop from the ceiling onto my left hand — the hand which was, up to that point, holding the steering wheel. Reflex took over. I uttered something akin to “gurraaah!” My arm spasmed, knocking the steering wheel askew and sending my car careening to the left. My brain kicked back in, and I yelled every obscenity I knew as I steered into the skid and brought the car back under control. Out loud I said, “Please let there be no cops. No way in hell I’m going to explain this one. ‘I’m sorry, officer. Those damned spiders double-teamed me. They’re wily little bastards!’”

I was so distracted that I forgot which car I was driving. When I got off the interstate in Lake Mary, I stalled the engine because I completely forgot to push in the clutch. I only realized what I’d done after I stared at the console for a few seconds, wondering “What the hell’s wrong with my car?” I haven’t found the tupperware yet. It bounced off one of the windows, which were closed, so it’s in the car somewhere.

And then spider #1, the evil little fucker that he is, dropped from the ceiling of the car onto my face. Just popped right onto my eyebrow. Obscenities failed me. I made up new words. I invented a whole new language which solely consists of profanity.

The rest of the drive home went something like this: “GODDAMNIT, ALL BETS ARE OFF! I don’t like to kill, but I’ve had it! NOT COOL, MAN. NOT COOL!”

(muttering and twitching) Fucking spiders.

Trackback URI | Comments RSS